A Birdwatcher's Guide to the Apocalypse

Birdwatching is enjoyed by millions of North Americans of all ages, and by millions of others all over the world. It is a hobby that can give pleasure at any place and at any time. The end times, especially, will have many interesting features of note for birdwatchers.
At first, expect to see changes in migratory patterns as birds begin to move towards the battle grounds of the end times. This is an excellent opportunity to see many birds that aren’t normally found in your area. As the end times grow closer, birds will stray farther and farther from their normal ranges. In the first days, Tree Swallows may be seen summering in Kansas or wintering in Texas. In the weeks before the end, expect to see sky-blackening flocks of Magpies, Nuthatches and Starlings converging the cities where the last battles will take place.
Remember that even the most harmless birds can be dangerous during the end times, so take extra precautions. A group of song sparrows can skeletonize an unprotected birdwatcher in minutes. When birds begin to be spontaneously generated, birdwatchers caught in a spawning ground may be suffocated by the sheer volume of birds.
Watching birds may even help birdwatchers avoid danger. When the fighting begins, flocks of American Crows will move from place to place, feeding on the dead. It is a good idea to follow these animals because it is always better to be where a battle has been than where a battle is now.
It will be fascinating to see how the unbalanced primal forces of the universe will enhance the natural characteristics of birds. For instance, Brown Headed Cowbirds are known for laying eggs in the nests of other birds. During the end times, they may start laying eggs anywhere they can, even in the flesh of living or dead humans and animals. Male Cowbirds (recognizable by their green and blue wings) may even be seen laying eggs. The Belted Kingfisher is known as a skilled hunter of fish, but during the end times they may start hunting down rodents, pets, even humans. The Mockingbird is known for its ability to replicate other bird calls. In the end times, you may hear Mockingbirds speaking human languages and even quoting from various holy books.
At the end, there will be few things, be they animal, vegetable or mechanical, not involved in the fight. The different primal forces of the universe will choose different combatants and imbue them with unimaginable power. You and your birdwatching friends may enjoy trying to predict what sides different species of birds will take in the final battle. Crows have long been associated with death (in fact, a group of Crows is called ‘a murder’) but will these birds actually fight on the side of death in the final battle, or will they be drawn to fight for some other force?
A birdwatcher may need to modify his or her equipment some as the end times approach. Certainly it is still a good idea to bring binoculars, waterproof boots and mosquito repellent.  Your standard notebook will not be as useful since your notes will not survive to ever be read again. Try to wear as many layers of clothing as you can. If possible, wear something with a hood you can pull down over your face. This will greatly increase your chances of surviving a bird attack. Conventional weapons are always a useful item to take with you whenever you venture out of your house in the end times, but are not much good against birds. One trick is to load shotgun shells with phosphorous and sodium (easily found at a hobby shop) as well as charcoal dust, gunpowder and pellets. This will turn your shotgun in to a sort of “flamethrower”, capable of firing out arcs of white-hot flame which can discourage many bird flocks from attacking you. A flashlight is a good idea, even if you are going out in the daytime, as you never know when the sun might be extinguished. Bird photography is not recommended because pictures (and all other graven images) may come to life during the apocalypse.
In the last minutes before the universe is torn apart, look for new species of birds that transcend the limitations of physical reality. You may see a bird flock large enough to blot out the entire endless depths of space. Extinct birds, like the Passenger Pigeon or the Dodo, may make a last appearance. You may see luminescent, transparent Great Blue Herons who are so beautiful that on glimpsing them you will be paralyzed. You may see mile-high Rock Doves (the so-called “domestic pigeon”) made entirely out of the insects and parasites, and any being they gaze on will be instantly consumed by parasites.
Although many prefer to engage in birdwatching by themselves, others prefer the sociability of birdwatching in a small group. There are more than 700 bird clubs in the United States and well over 100 in Canada. Some of these groups are already making plans for group activities during the apocalypse, so be sure to check them out right away!

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